thoughts on a boring wednesday
sometimes i feel as though i am constantly fighting the feeling
of having my soul being sucked away
because 75% of my days are so mind-numbingly dull, i try to ensure that after i leave the office i don't just go home and sit on my ass. in front of the computer or in front of a movie.
so it's this constant fighting, every single day. what am i going to do after school today? and it has to be something that i see as productive. getting outside and cycling or driving to the city or excersizing or visiting friends. but i feel it's this constant pressure every single day to do something productive with my evenings. but i guess it's because i know myself. if i just go home and veg within two days i will be going absolutely crazy. but sometimes it gets a little obsessive, because i am so consumed with thoughts about how i'm going to do something worthwhile in the evening, and sometimes i don't even want to do it. but then i get these guilty thoughts about what i should and shouldn't be doing. it's a bad cycle.
and i can't stand having obligations in the evening. social obligations are fine, and i look forward to them (ie - dinner at mine tonight). but things like having to take my bike in to get fixed, or having to teach eikaiwa, or having to nani-nani. it a stupid way these obligations twist around and turn in my head all day, and i come to actually dread something that is really no big deal. so i expend so much energy on trying to give my day a positive spin. and this can be exhausting after a while!
of having my soul being sucked away
because 75% of my days are so mind-numbingly dull, i try to ensure that after i leave the office i don't just go home and sit on my ass. in front of the computer or in front of a movie.
so it's this constant fighting, every single day. what am i going to do after school today? and it has to be something that i see as productive. getting outside and cycling or driving to the city or excersizing or visiting friends. but i feel it's this constant pressure every single day to do something productive with my evenings. but i guess it's because i know myself. if i just go home and veg within two days i will be going absolutely crazy. but sometimes it gets a little obsessive, because i am so consumed with thoughts about how i'm going to do something worthwhile in the evening, and sometimes i don't even want to do it. but then i get these guilty thoughts about what i should and shouldn't be doing. it's a bad cycle.
and i can't stand having obligations in the evening. social obligations are fine, and i look forward to them (ie - dinner at mine tonight). but things like having to take my bike in to get fixed, or having to teach eikaiwa, or having to nani-nani. it a stupid way these obligations twist around and turn in my head all day, and i come to actually dread something that is really no big deal. so i expend so much energy on trying to give my day a positive spin. and this can be exhausting after a while!
posted by Justine at 8:39 p.m.
7 Comments:
shit, you always seem to write down the exact thoughts in my head. well, I imagine lots of us go through that. our base school sounds pretty similar so that could be why.
but yeah...it is a constant struggle, and for what? that's what really frustrates me. Recently I find that if I plan my week out in advance, like having weekly things to go to, pottery, gym, sushi, etc. etc. it makes it easier to bear and you don't have to go crazy thinking about it everyday.
xxx
g.
yeah, i do that too. sushi with friends on a monday, or bike ride on a tuesday. movie in the city on a wednesay...whatever. helps for sure!
xo
Justine
you have a great way of putting the exhasuting thoughts that I always try to brush away (and fail miserably) into words.
can totally relate to everything you just said.
I however am not as good as you for beating the "go home and sit on my ass" syndrom.
advice please!
hey pam,
i understand wanting to go home and sit on your ass,
work is exhausting. i'm not sure why exactly (since all we do is sit here), but around 4-7pm is definitely a low-energy point for me sometimes.
so, if going home and vegging is what you're happy to do (which, sometimes i definitely AM!) then u should have every right to do it.
my problem is that i can't enjoy it
because i feel to guilty doing it.
i try to make plans for after school
like meet jon for a coffee at starbucks
or make plans to go on a bikeride with tomoks
or invite lindsay over for dinner (so that i have to get out and shop and then cook)
or go to the gym
or whatever
but this is just because of my obsessions. the feeling of needing to do something worthwhile.
which sometimes ends up being not so worthwhile
when i don't even feel like doing it.
ok, now i'm just rambling!
yes, i can relate. though i tend to just come home and watch a movie anyway. not really that much else to do anyhoo...
Hey sugar. What you describe isn't a problem, it's a good thing. You don't wanna get stuck in a boring meaningless routine, so you don't. And living in Shibata, it's not surprising that there's a shortage of inspiration for fun things to do. It's finding that motivation to go out and do something everyday that will stop you from ever living a 9-5 then watching the telly then going to bed kinda life. Good on you for it!
yeah, i won't end up doing that, ever i hope. the 9-5 go-home-and-watch-tv life. not for me.
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